It’s been a while since I have written a blog, I’ve been up and down recently and it’s been very hard, trying to stay on Twitter like I used to, got to admit, I very nearly closed my account recently, not because I was trolled or being bullied, just because I thought it was best.
But don’t worry, I’m keeping my account, an no going anywhere.
Because I’ve been up and down, I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore, my life was just stagnant, doing the same thing and boring, but recently it started to change, I started to realise I need to do things for me and no one else.
Now that I’m seeing things more clearly, I want this to be my year, I’ve recently got a new car, mainly because my other one died RIP 😔 I did love my car, but I’ve got a great new job with more money, I’m not as stressed anymore, starting to be more relaxed about things.
I’m not dwelling on the past as much either, I think most of my time was spent wondering what if this happened or what if that happened, with having depression and anxiety it made it even worse.
I would have something happen in my life, then plan it out from start to finish, but when it doesn’t go aceto that plan, I would get so anxious about it, wondering why it’s not working out, what have I done wrong, why did I not plan for it this way.
Recently I got in touch with an old friend, we used to chat every single day, we knew loads about each other and even via text, we knew when the other was down, but we kinda drifted apart as she got a fella, she is now engaged and wanting start a family, we haven’t spoken properly for over a year and couldn’t believe how much had changed with her, to be very honest, I got slightly jealous and she knew it too, but it’s since my first niece was born, I realised that I would love to have this in my life, prior to this I never wanted kids or to be married and have my Disney happy ever after, yes I love Disney, an I want that lol, I guess it was just easier to work, work and do more work.
It got me thinking about what I’ve done in the last year, all I’ve done is work, work and more work, that’s not the life I want.
I want what she has, not because she has it, but because I genuinely want it too, when talking to her about future hubby, I could tell she was smiling, even though we was talking on the phone, she is truly happy now and she has been through some bad relationships in the past, like me stayed single till the right person came into her life, an I truly believe when this happens you know, an just grab it with open arms, no matter what, she did and now she is as happy as I’ve ever known her to be.
But it was nice for her and I couldn’t be happier, but that’s what got me thinking about my life, I’ve started a new job which I love, currently studying for my ITIL foundation and practitioner certifications, which is what I’ve always wanted to do, now I just have to fill in the rest.
I’ve realised friends come and go in life, most have gone out of my life, due to my anxiety and depression, but that’s ok, I’ve got a few select friends who I meet with every now and then, which is fine with me, plus the Twitter family which is awesome.
I live with parents, which I know is sad, but I have reason’s for doing so, but this year I’m going to move out, now I’m earning more than I ever have, I can put more money away for a house deposit, my parents will be sad when I leave, but I’m staying in the area as they mean the world to me, plus my sisters kids can have sleepovers too lol.
Plus I’m not getting any younger either, an I now want my own space, but finally the darkness is starting to become more clear in my life, I can’t dwell on the past anymore, or I’ll never move forward in life.
My depression and anxiety have held me back for too long, I can’t live my life in the past like I’ve been doing, it’s took me long enough to realise it, I think I always knew it, but I got there, with help from family and Twitter family too.
Yes my depression and anxiety will always be there, an if I’m lucky enough to have my Disney happy ever after, whoever I meet will need to accept that too, but it’s not going to run my life anymore, I can’t let it, hence why I’m still single because I’ve pushed people away due to it, an that includes friends too.
It’s not going to be easy, as life never is at times, it’s here to test us and see what we can make of it, so if you are struggling with your mental health right now, I’m right there with you, it’s not easy, but take it from me, it truly does get better.
Yes I will get to a low point again, but I’ll deal with that when it happens, if I start to plan that out, like I usually do, I’ll get more anxious because it’s not happening how I wanted it too, then it just spirals into more depression.
For my job I mainly troubleshoot issues, this is why I plan things in my head, then when they don’t work out, I get sad, but it happens in my personal life too.
So this is going to be my year, my depression and anxiety can come along for the ride, but they will not define it, they will not define who I am, or who I can be, they will not stop me from being happy, living in my past or having a Disney happy ever after either, mainly because it’s not fair on ME.
Sorry it’s a long one, I feel like I’ve been ranting a little lol, I know lots of the Twitter family have been worried about me, an I love you all to bits, but I’m ok.
I want you all to remember, reach out if you need it, don’t be ashamed, scared, or feel that people will treat you differently, I’ve learned this never happens and the people who truly love and care for me are still in my life, for that I’m eternally greatful too.
Don’t be scared by change in your life, I left my job after ten years with the same company, probably the scariest thing I’ve done for years, but it was good for ME, that’s what matters in life, you need to do what’s best for you and what you feel is right, hence why I’m not living in my past anymore, I’m not going to push people away because it’s easier, yes I used to do this and to everyone I have, I’m sorry, if people love me for my faults, they will for everything else too, well I hope they will hahaha.
We only get one chance in life, yes we have our mental health issues to deal with, but we also can have alot more too, it’s not easy, but I’ll get there, an so will everyone of you too, don’t wait for things to happen, learning from my mistakes and past, this only makes things worse and you just get more anxious, an worry about something that will just make your mental health worse, make them happen, after all, you matter.
Thanks for listening.