I can see the light, not darkness.

It’s been a while since I have written a blog, I’ve been up and down recently and it’s been very hard, trying to stay on Twitter like I used to, got to admit, I very nearly closed my account recently, not because I was trolled or being bullied, just because I thought it was best.

But don’t worry, I’m keeping my account, an no going anywhere.

Because I’ve been up and down, I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore, my life was just stagnant, doing the same thing and boring, but recently it started to change, I started to realise I need to do things for me and no one else.

Now that I’m seeing things more clearly, I want this to be my year, I’ve recently got a new car, mainly because my other one died RIP 😔 I did love my car, but I’ve got a great new job with more money, I’m not as stressed anymore, starting to be more relaxed about things.

I’m not dwelling on the past as much either, I think most of my time was spent wondering what if this happened or what if that happened, with having depression and anxiety it made it even worse.

I would have something happen in my life, then plan it out from start to finish, but when it doesn’t go aceto that plan, I would get so anxious about it, wondering why it’s not working out, what have I done wrong, why did I not plan for it this way.

Recently I got in touch with an old friend, we used to chat every single day, we knew loads about each other and even via text, we knew when the other was down, but we kinda drifted apart as she got a fella, she is now engaged and wanting start a family, we haven’t spoken properly for over a year and couldn’t believe how much had changed with her, to be very honest, I got slightly jealous and she knew it too, but it’s since my first niece was born, I realised that I would love to have this in my life, prior to this I never wanted kids or to be married and have my Disney happy ever after, yes I love Disney, an I want that lol, I guess it was just easier to work, work and do more work.

It got me thinking about what I’ve done in the last year, all I’ve done is work, work and more work, that’s not the life I want.

I want what she has, not because she has it, but because I genuinely want it too, when talking to her about future hubby, I could tell she was smiling, even though we was talking on the phone, she is truly happy now and she has been through some bad relationships in the past, like me stayed single till the right person came into her life, an I truly believe when this happens you know, an just grab it with open arms, no matter what, she did and now she is as happy as I’ve ever known her to be.

But it was nice for her and I couldn’t be happier, but that’s what got me thinking about my life, I’ve started a new job which I love, currently studying for my ITIL foundation and practitioner certifications, which is what I’ve always wanted to do, now I just have to fill in the rest.

I’ve realised friends come and go in life, most have gone out of my life, due to my anxiety and depression, but that’s ok, I’ve got a few select friends who I meet with every now and then, which is fine with me, plus the Twitter family which is awesome.

I live with parents, which I know is sad, but I have reason’s for doing so, but this year I’m going to move out, now I’m earning more than I ever have, I can put more money away for a house deposit, my parents will be sad when I leave, but I’m staying in the area as they mean the world to me, plus my sisters kids can have sleepovers too lol.

Plus I’m not getting any younger either, an I now want my own space, but finally the darkness is starting to become more clear in my life, I can’t dwell on the past anymore, or I’ll never move forward in life.

My depression and anxiety have held me back for too long, I can’t live my life in the past like I’ve been doing, it’s took me long enough to realise it, I think I always knew it, but I got there, with help from family and Twitter family too.

Yes my depression and anxiety will always be there, an if I’m lucky enough to have my Disney happy ever after, whoever I meet will need to accept that too, but it’s not going to run my life anymore, I can’t let it, hence why I’m still single because I’ve pushed people away due to it, an that includes friends too.

It’s not going to be easy, as life never is at times, it’s here to test us and see what we can make of it, so if you are struggling with your mental health right now, I’m right there with you, it’s not easy, but take it from me, it truly does get better.

Yes I will get to a low point again, but I’ll deal with that when it happens, if I start to plan that out, like I usually do, I’ll get more anxious because it’s not happening how I wanted it too, then it just spirals into more depression.

For my job I mainly troubleshoot issues, this is why I plan things in my head, then when they don’t work out, I get sad, but it happens in my personal life too.

So this is going to be my year, my depression and anxiety can come along for the ride, but they will not define it, they will not define who I am, or who I can be, they will not stop me from being happy, living in my past or having a Disney happy ever after either, mainly because it’s not fair on ME.

Sorry it’s a long one, I feel like I’ve been ranting a little lol, I know lots of the Twitter family have been worried about me, an I love you all to bits, but I’m ok.

I want you all to remember, reach out if you need it, don’t be ashamed, scared, or feel that people will treat you differently, I’ve learned this never happens and the people who truly love and care for me are still in my life, for that I’m eternally greatful too.

Don’t be scared by change in your life, I left my job after ten years with the same company, probably the scariest thing I’ve done for years, but it was good for ME, that’s what matters in life, you need to do what’s best for you and what you feel is right, hence why I’m not living in my past anymore, I’m not going to push people away because it’s easier, yes I used to do this and to everyone I have, I’m sorry, if people love me for my faults, they will for everything else too, well I hope they will hahaha.

We only get one chance in life, yes we have our mental health issues to deal with, but we also can have alot more too, it’s not easy, but I’ll get there, an so will everyone of you too, don’t wait for things to happen, learning from my mistakes and past, this only makes things worse and you just get more anxious, an worry about something that will just make your mental health worse, make them happen, after all, you matter.

Thanks for listening.





2018 & My Mental Health

So this is my final post for this year, for me personally it’s been quite busy, but also kinda big too.

2018 is the year that I finally admitted to myself about my mental health, as I’ve said previously, I always knew something wasn’t right, this was for years I knew this, but I kept it hidden, why did I do that, mainly because I felt ashamed, embarrassed, that the world wouldn’t take me seriously, the high possibility that my family would be ashamed too.

So rather than seek help down the years, I hide it away, I put on a happy face to hide what’s going on inside, I drifted apart from friends, kinda drifted apart from family and shut myself off from the world in every way I could.

I stopped going out, when people would ask me, I said sorry I can’t tonight I’m babysitting, when work functions came round, I did everything I could to get out of them.

Also I put myself into my work, I did long hours, going in for 7am,not finishing till 7pm for a very long time, but this also caused me problems, the more I worked, the more my mental health started to get worse.

Down through the years I lost myself, I lost who I was i life, my mental health was getting worse, I would snap at people who I work with, plus my family, for me, all that matters to me was my work.

My mind went into overdrive, I would act out things in my head based on one question I needed to ask, I would get from that one, to the end, without even asking it, this was OK for my job, but for me personally, it started to become a problem.

Then earlier this year I had a 30 minute meeting with my boss, there was a new position becoming available that I had been doing for two years, then towards the end, my boss asked me if I was OK, that simply little question opened up the floodgates for me.

I never opened up before then, my preeboss knew a bit about me, but it took ages for me to open up to her, this time round, my 30 minute meeting ended up being two and a half hours long.

She knew I was active on Twitter for mental health, one of her friends was suffering so I gave her my account details and the hashtags to use, but that mweting ended up with her basically forcing me to ring my GP.

I tried to get out of it, telling her I can only get an appointment when I ring at 8am, but she forced me to try, so I rang my GP and got an appointment.

The GP I seen chatted with me for a few minutes, then said to me, from everything you have told me and written down, which was three pages long, she said you have Depression & Anxiety and recommended I see a therapist.

This was my moment, so down through the years, all the time I knew something wasn’t right, now I knew why.

My GP wanted me to take medication, but I said no, after three appointments, I said ok I will try and now I’m on antidepressants and had theropy sessions too.

Honestly and truthfully, I think doing this actually saved my life, seeking help getting theropy and being on antidepressants has helped me alot, but also the mental health Twitter family has also been a huge help too, you are all just simply amazing and cannot thank you all enough.

So 2018 the year I reached out, the year I got help for depression and anxiety, the year that I seen a therapist, the year I started taking antidepressants and the year that saved my life.

Anyone who who is reading this, but yet to do what I’ve done this year, especially all the men out there, please please reach out, help is available, slowly it can get better, that I csn promise you.

Yes I still struggle, I have days that I just want to shut off, days where I cry for no dam reason at all, but I also have good days too and my family have been truly amazing too.

I’m glad that I’ve opened up about my mental health, writing these blogs have been therapeutic too, there is now shame, you don’t need to feel embarrassed about your mental health, so please reach out, get the help you need, my DM is open to absolutely anyone who needs it.



Your Mental Health

There are times when you just want to hide away, put your feelings and thoughts in a box, but not on display, why would you want the world to know them, you fear embarrassment, hate and judgment too, but always remember your mental health, is part of you.

Yes we all struggle, we fight every day, to wake up and feel down, to not want to live, is something we all tend to struggle with.

But remember your strong, loved and admired too, so your story is valid but those who follow you.

To all who have yet to reach out, to get the help they need, there is no shame, no embarrassment, or judgement, so please take heed, help is available for your mental health, please don’t sit back, an keep it on the shelf, open your box and let your feelings out, tell the world how your feeling, even scream and shout.

To keep those feelings hidden away, can cause more harm to you each day, so please if you remember just one of these things, your feelings do matter, you matter, you are loved and cherished too, your mental health battle is important too.

We need the world to hear your story, to know they are not alone, those feelings are valid, you don’t have to fight on your own, we are all with you each and every day, so please reach out, get help, remember your here to stay.

I can’t promise your fight isn’t going to be tough, but you deserve to fight and you are enough, help is out there for you and for all, no matter how much you may fall.

You are strong, you are inspiring and empowering too, with help your bad days can be but a few.

Crying and admitting you are not feeling it today, is nothing be to embarrassed or shamed of because #itsokaynottobeokay.

I’ve been trolled

Hi Everyone,


So as you all know, I’ve been trolled, it hurt me a lot, I very nearly walked away from Twitter because of it, I nearly deleted my account four times the other day and just wanted to walk away.

But I’m not, the reason I’m not is simple, it’s because of you all, my followers, honestly from the bottom of my heart I love you all.

I cannot thank the people who have contacted me, either via DM or in the comments on my tweets, honestly the mental health community is truly amazing, the support you have shown me is truly heartwarming.

I’m not naming the troll publically, but a few people who follow me, also follow them too, they accused me of being a fraud, also that me and Pinkster_87 are the same person, well I can tell you, we are not the same person.

Yes I nearly walked away, but why should I because of one idiot, one person who bought his followers, I’ve worked too dam hard to get my following, yes I may not have alot of people following me compared to others, but I have the right people following me, which is all I care about.

I’ve worked too hard on this account @MHA0582, I’ve supported too many people with their causes, either by sharing their petitions, sponsoring their websites, donating to charity causes or their own personal causes, I do all of that because it makes a difference, you all make a difference.

I hope that all my followers join me on my new account, it will basically be the exact same, apart from less tweets and the Twitter name had changed.

I may have nearly deleted my account, but I have been told I’m not allowed to, not asked, I’ve been told, so I’m listening to that advice, I didn’t want to create a new one, but it’s the only way I can still help everyone.

I will DM people with my new one, if I don’t message you, it just means I don’t want Twitter to be class me as a spammer.

I also want to take this time to apologise to everyone who follows me, I feel I’ve let you all down, all my 3k plus tweets have been for nothing, because I have to change my account, for this I’m truly sorry.

Please be careful who you follow, some people are really not as they truly are, I’ve always been honest on Twitter, I’ve never lied or said anything that is not true, I’m not a fraud, if I was then my account wouldn’t have lasted this long, plus I wouldn’t have done all I have if I was.

Final thoughts.

I have so much admiration for you all, what you do to raise mental health awareness is nothing short of inspiring.

I will be back, my new account will be up and running soon, if we follow each other now, I hope you follow me on me new one please, I will continue to support you all as I do now, either by sharing your tweets or financially through your various causes.

All the projects that I have are still happening, I have the @mental_live project which is still happening, plus all the individual projects I have with some of you, are still happening.

Lastly I just want to thank you all again, it’s been a very difficult week, I’ve not been this low for a long time, never did I dream one person could cause this much of a problem.

But without you all, I may have just given up, my current account @MHA0582 will still be active for a while, but I need to move forward and get back to doing what we all do.

I’ve contacted Twitter several times, but nothing back, my account is limited, meaning I may not be able to tweet much, can’t like stuff etc, plus I can’t share your amazing posts with the wider world, this is why I’m creating a new account.

Again I hope you all please join me on my new account, details to follow.

Love you all from the bottom of my heart.



World Mental Health Day Live

I want to thank all those who have expressed interest in being involved so far, honestly it’s truly an absolute honour to have you all, so from the bottom of our hearts, thank you so much.

Let’s talk about our project, World Mental Health Day Live 2019, originally the idea was thought of on the past WMHD but rather than do it then, I thought more time and patience was needed, mainly do it it right, but to get all YOU involved too.
So how can you be involved I hear you asking, well put your feet up, grab a brew and I shall tell you now.
The main aim is to find people from all over the world, we mean every single part of it that we can, for the main day we want people who are doing public speaking events, with a view to live streaming them via the site we are creating, you can also do a web cast too on the day.
But that’s not all, we also want guest blogs, vlogs, podcasts and anything else you can think of, they will be sent out leading up to WMHD 2019.
We are still in the process of getting our website up and running, but we wanted to share these details with you now.
Don’t worry if you don’t blog, vlog or do podcast, we would still love to have you involved, I’m sure we can think of some way to get you involved.
So if you like what you have read, you want to be involved, please DM us on @mental_live and we aim to contact you back within 48 hours.
Steve @MHA0582

Depression, Theropy, Antidepressants & Me

It’s been a bit of a strange few weeks, having to realise that I needed to get help, being told I have depression and now on antidepressants to help.

This time last year, if you had told me all of the above, I would have thought the complete opposite, but in a way, I’m glad that it’s now out in the open.

Having depression sucks, it truly does, there are still many people who are suffering, yet don’t do anything about it, I was one of them, for a very very long time I was one of the many, who didn’t do anything.

I think the main reasons was because I knew how strong I am, I didn’t want people to be different with me, I wanted to get through it on my own, but I couldn’t.

Now I’m taking antidepressants, I had them years ago, but they was for my migraines, so ny GP gave them to me as they didn’t cause problems.

I’m also having theropy, never in a million years did I think it would happen, but it’s been really good so far, my therapist has given me ideas to help relax and not think about work 24/7 so between this and my medication, I hope things start to look up.

It really sucks having depression, feeling alone in the world, that hopeless feeling where you don’t feel as though you can do anything, feeling tired and just wanting to sleep, not doing as muhh as I used to do, I find it difficult to concentrate on things, in the past I could work through five or six things at once.

I’m now comfort eating more than I used to, finding myself eating foods I shouldn’t because of my IBS, at times I find myself crying for no reason at all, I can be watching TV, reading or any where and I will just start crying, the one thing I hate is that I’m more irritable, the slightest thing and I go boom, this is something I hate so dam much, but I’m learning to control it more.

When we have family occasions all I tend to do is try and stay out of the way, counting down the time till I can go home again, in work I used to be able to do so much, but over the last few years that’s dwindled and I’m the opposite, probably because of other factors too.

That’s just a few things, it’s a shame that more men are not talking about their mental health more, that’s why I want to be open about everything that I can be.

There was also a little bit of shame in there too, I was the strongest person I knew, throw anything at me and I’ll deal with it, but you can only do that for so long.

If you are reading this and you can relate, but have yet to do anything about it, feel free to DM me and I will be happy to chat, or if you just need to chat in general, my Twitter DM is always open to anyone.

Please don’t suffer in silence, the Twitter Mental Health family are so supportive, as have my family, I don’t think I would be where I am now without them.

So please reach out to anyone you can, start the process because I can promise you, it will really make a difference.

Thanks for reading.



Depression & Me

So for a long time, I knew something wasn’t right, I put on a different face, putting everything to the back of my mind, basically pretending nothing is wrong.

Last week I had a chat with my boss, I think they suspected something wasn’t right, it was supposed to last 30 minutes, but it lasted 2 hours, in the end they told me to try and see my GP.

I think that this is something I’ve been hiding for a long time, when someone asks how are you, my default answer was I’m Fine, realistically I wasn’t, but I didn’t want to open up, mainly because it’s not manly to be open about your feelings and stuff.

You have to be a man, hide it, stay strong, put it behind you, well I did that and believe me it’s changed me, not in a good way either, because I had kept everything in, every time I went to release something, I snapped, for no reason I would just go off at whoever it is.

How is that acceptable, the smallest question and I would just go off for nothing, so to all the men out there, the ones who are going through it now, the ones who are at the point I’ve been at, why not do something about it, open up to someone, anyone you can, believe me it’s the best thing I did, go see your GP, I promise with my hand on my heart, it makes a difference.

You shouldn’t keep things bottled up, I did for years, my work became my life, I took on loads more than I could do, then had to fit it all in, so where was the time for me to switch off and have time for myself and the family.

When I told my parents about it all, they was great about it, yet I feared they I would be the opposite, they are asking how they can help me, is there anything they need from me, my sister was shocked at first, her and my mum was out shopping the other day, I came up in conversation and my sister said, I just want the old Ste back, the one who I can ask to do anything and he won’t go mad, who we can have a laugh and joke again, suffice to say when my mum told me that, I did cry, yes I’m a man and I cried, I showed feelings and I’m not ashamed of it.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching since my GP visit, having depression has a lot to answer for, I’ve missed out on so much because of it, lost friends, missed relationships, all because I was too scared, I felt lost, I felt like no one cared, it was all on me, no it was because of my depression.

Usually when I do my blogs, I listen to music, tonight is movie soundtracks, currently I on the final dance scene from Dirty Dancing, with the song, Time of My Life, which when I find someone who will marry me, that’s my wedding dance, every single part of it.

Music helps me and I think it always has done, I have such an eclectic taste it just depends on what I fancy st the time.

Having depression sucks, it really does, not doing anything about it all these years is even worse.

Yes I’m suffering with it

Yes I opened up to my boss for a lifeline

Yes I opened up to my family

Yes I went to a GP for help

Yes I’m now seeing a therapist

And yes it’s helping.

Ask me over a year ago how I’m feeling, default answer, I’m fine, now ask me how I’m feeling, well to be honest, I feel like shit, I’m not putting a brave face on anymore, I’m not hiding behind I’m fine, an I never will do.

So if you are reading this, take it from someone who has been there, get help, ask for it, there is no shame on being honest, forget the stigma of having to be a man, I’ve done it and my God I’m so glad that I did.

I want to end my blog with saying thank you to a few people who have been so dam supporting and hugely inspirational to me.

The ladies of @unrave11ingmind @SoviDreams & @balloons_brain Who are both absolutely beautiful ladies who are just amazing and I’m glad to have you in my life, meeting in the ew year maybe a tad emotional, you’ve both helped me so dam much, an I will always be grateful.

@TheeLadyPrince You are simply amazing, with everything you have been going through, you found the time to be there for our chats, an long may they continue.

@KatieHoughton85 You do so much for others, even though you are going through so much, I’ve loved our chats and the music you have told me to listen too, I love being your sponsor, but I’m glad that we are there for each other.

@amysboarderline What to say apart from you are truly amazing, your blogs inspire the hell out of me, truly such an amazing lady, honestly you have helped me with a lot.

@VoiceDepression What you do is outstanding, your podcast has honestly been such a lifeline to me and others, the guests you have on are truly inspiring as are the both of you, I will always listen and share them.

@HopeVirgo What you have achieved in everything you do, simply and truly inspiring, all the work you do in raising awareness, doing JOGL, but also talks on the way, your amazing #dumpthescales campaign, truly thank you for inspiring me to open up.

@AFR365 Truly a huge inspiration, you have done so much to inspire me and raise so much awareness, I’m grateful for all your support 🙂

@friendlywitch51 You have gone through so much recently, your posts have been an inspiration to read and share, thank you for just being there, I know things are not easy, but you have truly inspired me alot.

@FoxInTheBox05 You work tiresly to raise awareness, even though you have your own things to deal with, I’ve love how we are there for each other with our chats, truly thank you for all you have done.

@RealMissAnxiety Your blogs and vlogs made me cry, in a good way though, you are so open and honest, you are there for everyone who needs it, such a shining light in a dark world, keep shining so bright, an thank you.

I’m sure I’ve missed off people, I’m truly sorry if I have done, I will add you on here if I have, everyone I follow and who follows me, you all inspire me so dam much.

Thanks for reading.