TRIGGER WARNING – This post talks about suicidal thoughts, if you believe it may trigger off anything, I suggest you don’t read on any further.
I’ve started and deleted this post numerous times now, mainly because it brings back the darkest part of when I was being bullied.
In my first two blogs about bullying, you got an insight into what happened, now is the final part, I will share how I overcome the bullies having control over me, to an extent, but also my suicidal thoughts.
High school is supposed to be the happiest days of your life, don’t get me wrong, I had some amazing times, but the bad times far outweigh them.
On the outside, people would have seen a happy and sometimes smiley person, having a laugh and joke, joining in the football at lunch, then again after school at times, what they didn’t see is what happened when the bullying happened, the days I would get home, close my door and simply cry my heart out.
Why am I being treated this way, have I done something in a past life, did I wrong someone in a way that warrants this happening to me, well as I can’t answer what has happened in my past lives, I just had to grin and bear it, try and move on with life, try as hard as I can not to show weakness, because you know, I’m a man and have to be strong, I have to put on my brave face.
So there you have it, because I’m a man, it’s expected that I just bottle everything up, not share or talk, well to any men reading this now, all I’m going to say is NO you can talk, you can share so please do so, I wish I could have done so back then.
Back in those days, being held at the end of my street, against my will, by someone who had power over me, making me stand still, not moving till thy said I could do, was just one of the many ways I was bullied, another was because of the way I pronounced my name, so every time I met those people, they said my name in the same way I did, then everyone just started laughing.
It was hurtful, horrible, made me feel inadequate, vulnerable, like they thought it was ok to do and say all the things they did to me.
I’m now going to talk about my suicidal thoughts, if this may trigger you, please stop reading now.
So back to my feelings, yes I’m a man talking about my feelings, oh my God, run for the hills, he is opening up, is what most tend to say, but to those I say this back, unless you have even there, do not judge those who have and want to speak out.
When things got worse, an I mean I couldn’t leave the house at times, I would look out my window so many times to see if they was around, or can I make it to my local shop in under ten minutes, I got to a point where I began to wonder if being here was actually worth it.
I’m being bullied to a point where it’s causing more problems for me, where I’m on my own and I’m looking over my shoulder every second, what the hell kind of life is that, locking myself away when I should be out playing, crying at night because they got me on that day, because I couldn’t cope with everything going on, there was a way out.
I had actually written letters to my parents and sister, two separate letters to explain what I’m doing and why, I actually had them till a few years ago, I put them in that safe place, but back then I forgot where I hidden them, I only found both letters again a few years ago, I instantly burned them.
But the letters was written, as well as another one with my thoughts and feelings in, my mind was made up, I didn’t want to be around anymore, what’s the point, it’s not going to get better, probably just worse, I could barely cope as it was, should it get worse, I just didn’t know, I just knew that I had a way out.
Now I’m lay in bed, looking at my roof, thinking about how I wanted to do it, I had a plan, the final stage was complete, this was the only thing that would release me from my pain, but I couldn’t do it that night, I needed to wait till the next night.
The next day I took a fake sick day from school, only me and my mum was home, she was looking after me, making sure I had everything I needed, then she turned on the TV for me, but there was sod all on (we only had four main TV channels back in the day) so my mum put on a video for me (VHS) and if you don’t know what they are, use any search engine and look it up.
So my mum thought I was genuinely ill, she knew what would cheer me up, she put in Knight Rider, my most favourite TV show of all time, I mean a car that talks back and csn drive itself, plus looks cool, what’s not to love, so I watched it to the end, then I put on another one, this time it was Thundercats, my second favourite, so I snuggled in bed, with my Snarf teddy bear and watched it.
I began watching them over and over, then watching a Disney movie that came on TV, which was Winnie the Pooh, then thinking about how my mum was looking after me, plus my dad rang from work to see how I was too, I probably already knew this, but it was then it hit me, they care, they actually care about me.
So I opened up a little to my parents a little about what was going on, only telling them little things, thinking they are going to tell me to just grow up, or stop being silly, they listened to me, they told me to watch my TV shows more and I will understand, to be honest it kind of baffled me for a while.
So I did as they told me, went back to my room, watched more of my favourite shows, then it actually hit me, why they told me to watch my TV shows, the characters in the shows was standing up to people, for what they knew was wrong.
So that night I was supposed to do it, everything was in place, my problem now was I couldn’t find the dam letters I wrote, I also couldn’t be bothered to write them out again, eventually I fell asleep.
The next day was Saturday, so my morning consists of watching Saturday morning TV, then my mum asked me to go the local shop and pay for our newspapers for the week, then all the thoughts and feelings, came back and I didn’t want to go, but reluctantly I did, an nothing happened this time.
With each day that passes, I got a thought process running in my mind, if it happens how would Michael Knight (Knight Rider) deal with it, daft I know but the more time went on, the more it actually helped.
After a few month’s passed, I got bullied again in between, but then one day the bully stopped me at the end of my road again, this time I put my thoughts into practice, they told me to stop, I just carried on, they stood in front of me, I moved round them, they tried to control me physically, but I just laughed at them and walked off.
You could say, thanks to Knight Rider, Thundercats and a few other TV shows from back then, changed and saved my life, it wasn’t an easy process that changed overnight, it took me months to build up enough courage to do it, but I couldn’t have without my parents help.
I’m currently listening to Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill album, mainly because this was my go to music back in the days of being bullied, while it’s bringing back the memories, it’s such an awesome album and actually helped me get through things back then, I had it on cassette tape and still do as my memory, but it really helped listening to it now, it brought back memories to help write this.
I know this is really really really long, but the point I want to make about this and my other bullying blogs, is you can talk to people who will listen and help, you will not be judged if you go to the right people.
So if you are being bullied right now, either emotional or physical, by a loved one or someone else, please I beg you to speak up, tell someone, I guarantee it really will help, don’t go down the road I nearly went down, don’t suffer in silence, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.