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I’ve been trolled

Hi Everyone,

****UPDATE**** MY ACCOUNT IS NOW BACK TO NORMAL.

So as you all know, I’ve been trolled, it hurt me a lot, I very nearly walked away from Twitter because of it, I nearly deleted my account four times the other day and just wanted to walk away.

But I’m not, the reason I’m not is simple, it’s because of you all, my followers, honestly from the bottom of my heart I love you all.

I cannot thank the people who have contacted me, either via DM or in the comments on my tweets, honestly the mental health community is truly amazing, the support you have shown me is truly heartwarming.

I’m not naming the troll publically, but a few people who follow me, also follow them too, they accused me of being a fraud, also that me and Pinkster_87 are the same person, well I can tell you, we are not the same person.

Yes I nearly walked away, but why should I because of one idiot, one person who bought his followers, I’ve worked too dam hard to get my following, yes I may not have alot of people following me compared to others, but I have the right people following me, which is all I care about.

I’ve worked too hard on this account @MHA0582, I’ve supported too many people with their causes, either by sharing their petitions, sponsoring their websites, donating to charity causes or their own personal causes, I do all of that because it makes a difference, you all make a difference.

I hope that all my followers join me on my new account, it will basically be the exact same, apart from less tweets and the Twitter name had changed.

I may have nearly deleted my account, but I have been told I’m not allowed to, not asked, I’ve been told, so I’m listening to that advice, I didn’t want to create a new one, but it’s the only way I can still help everyone.

I will DM people with my new one, if I don’t message you, it just means I don’t want Twitter to be class me as a spammer.

I also want to take this time to apologise to everyone who follows me, I feel I’ve let you all down, all my 3k plus tweets have been for nothing, because I have to change my account, for this I’m truly sorry.

Please be careful who you follow, some people are really not as they truly are, I’ve always been honest on Twitter, I’ve never lied or said anything that is not true, I’m not a fraud, if I was then my account wouldn’t have lasted this long, plus I wouldn’t have done all I have if I was.

Final thoughts.

I have so much admiration for you all, what you do to raise mental health awareness is nothing short of inspiring.

I will be back, my new account will be up and running soon, if we follow each other now, I hope you follow me on me new one please, I will continue to support you all as I do now, either by sharing your tweets or financially through your various causes.

All the projects that I have are still happening, I have the @mental_live project which is still happening, plus all the individual projects I have with some of you, are still happening.

Lastly I just want to thank you all again, it’s been a very difficult week, I’ve not been this low for a long time, never did I dream one person could cause this much of a problem.

But without you all, I may have just given up, my current account @MHA0582 will still be active for a while, but I need to move forward and get back to doing what we all do.

I’ve contacted Twitter several times, but nothing back, my account is limited, meaning I may not be able to tweet much, can’t like stuff etc, plus I can’t share your amazing posts with the wider world, this is why I’m creating a new account.

Again I hope you all please join me on my new account, details to follow.

Love you all from the bottom of my heart.

Steve

XX

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World Mental Health Day Live

Ok before I get into what the project is all about, I want to say a very special thank you to @Pinkster_87 my co-founder.
I wouldn’t be able to do all this without her involvement, she is amazing, wonderful, funny, honest, brave, & truly inspiring, if you don’t follow her, please do so.
So @Pinkster_87 thank you soooooooo much for being my co-founder, it honestly means a lot to have you on board with this exciting project, plus for putting up with me hahaha
Secondly I want to thank all those who have expressed interest in being involved so far, honestly it’s truly an absolute honour to have you all, so from the bottom of our hearts, thank you so much.
Now all the mushy stuff is out of the way, let’s talk about our project, World Mental Health Day Live 2019, originally the idea was thought of on the past WMHD but rather than do it then, I thought more time and patience was needed, mainly do it it right, but to get all YOU involved too.
So how can you be involved I hear you asking, well put your feet up, grab a brew and I shall tell you now.
The main aim is to find people from all over the world, we mean every single part of it that we can, for the main day we want people who are doing public speaking events, with a view to live streaming them via the site we are creating, you can also do a web cast too on the day.
But that’s not all, we also want guest blogs, vlogs, podcasts and anything else you can think of, they will be sent out leading up to WMHD 2019.
We are still in the process of getting our website up and running, but we wanted to share these details with you now.
Don’t worry if you don’t blog, vlog or do podcast, we would still love to have you involved, I’m sure we can think of some way to get you involved.
So if you like what you have read, you want to be involved, please DM us on @mental_live and we aim to contact you back within 48 hours.
Thanks
Steve @MHA0582 & Pinkster C @Pinkster_87

Depression, Theropy, Antidepressants & Me

It’s been a bit of a strange few weeks, having to realise that I needed to get help, being told I have depression and now on antidepressants to help.

This time last year, if you had told me all of the above, I would have thought the complete opposite, but in a way, I’m glad that it’s now out in the open.

Having depression sucks, it truly does, there are still many people who are suffering, yet don’t do anything about it, I was one of them, for a very very long time I was one of the many, who didn’t do anything.

I think the main reasons was because I knew how strong I am, I didn’t want people to be different with me, I wanted to get through it on my own, but I couldn’t.

Now I’m taking antidepressants, I had them years ago, but they was for my migraines, so ny GP gave them to me as they didn’t cause problems.

I’m also having theropy, never in a million years did I think it would happen, but it’s been really good so far, my therapist has given me ideas to help relax and not think about work 24/7 so between this and my medication, I hope things start to look up.

It really sucks having depression, feeling alone in the world, that hopeless feeling where you don’t feel as though you can do anything, feeling tired and just wanting to sleep, not doing as muhh as I used to do, I find it difficult to concentrate on things, in the past I could work through five or six things at once.

I’m now comfort eating more than I used to, finding myself eating foods I shouldn’t because of my IBS, at times I find myself crying for no reason at all, I can be watching TV, reading or any where and I will just start crying, the one thing I hate is that I’m more irritable, the slightest thing and I go boom, this is something I hate so dam much, but I’m learning to control it more.

When we have family occasions all I tend to do is try and stay out of the way, counting down the time till I can go home again, in work I used to be able to do so much, but over the last few years that’s dwindled and I’m the opposite, probably because of other factors too.

That’s just a few things, it’s a shame that more men are not talking about their mental health more, that’s why I want to be open about everything that I can be.

There was also a little bit of shame in there too, I was the strongest person I knew, throw anything at me and I’ll deal with it, but you can only do that for so long.

If you are reading this and you can relate, but have yet to do anything about it, feel free to DM me and I will be happy to chat, or if you just need to chat in general, my Twitter DM is always open to anyone.

Please don’t suffer in silence, the Twitter Mental Health family are so supportive, as have my family, I don’t think I would be where I am now without them.

So please reach out to anyone you can, start the process because I can promise you, it will really make a difference.

Thanks for reading.

Steve

@MHA0582

Depression & Me

So for a long time, I knew something wasn’t right, I put on a different face, putting everything to the back of my mind, basically pretending nothing is wrong.

Last week I had a chat with my boss, I think they suspected something wasn’t right, it was supposed to last 30 minutes, but it lasted 2 hours, in the end they told me to try and see my GP.

I think that this is something I’ve been hiding for a long time, when someone asks how are you, my default answer was I’m Fine, realistically I wasn’t, but I didn’t want to open up, mainly because it’s not manly to be open about your feelings and stuff.

You have to be a man, hide it, stay strong, put it behind you, well I did that and believe me it’s changed me, not in a good way either, because I had kept everything in, every time I went to release something, I snapped, for no reason I would just go off at whoever it is.

How is that acceptable, the smallest question and I would just go off for nothing, so to all the men out there, the ones who are going through it now, the ones who are at the point I’ve been at, why not do something about it, open up to someone, anyone you can, believe me it’s the best thing I did, go see your GP, I promise with my hand on my heart, it makes a difference.

You shouldn’t keep things bottled up, I did for years, my work became my life, I took on loads more than I could do, then had to fit it all in, so where was the time for me to switch off and have time for myself and the family.

When I told my parents about it all, they was great about it, yet I feared they I would be the opposite, they are asking how they can help me, is there anything they need from me, my sister was shocked at first, her and my mum was out shopping the other day, I came up in conversation and my sister said, I just want the old Ste back, the one who I can ask to do anything and he won’t go mad, who we can have a laugh and joke again, suffice to say when my mum told me that, I did cry, yes I’m a man and I cried, I showed feelings and I’m not ashamed of it.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching since my GP visit, having depression has a lot to answer for, I’ve missed out on so much because of it, lost friends, missed relationships, all because I was too scared, I felt lost, I felt like no one cared, it was all on me, no it was because of my depression.

Usually when I do my blogs, I listen to music, tonight is movie soundtracks, currently I on the final dance scene from Dirty Dancing, with the song, Time of My Life, which when I find someone who will marry me, that’s my wedding dance, every single part of it.

Music helps me and I think it always has done, I have such an eclectic taste it just depends on what I fancy st the time.

Having depression sucks, it really does, not doing anything about it all these years is even worse.

Yes I’m suffering with it

Yes I opened up to my boss for a lifeline

Yes I opened up to my family

Yes I went to a GP for help

Yes I’m now seeing a therapist

And yes it’s helping.

Ask me over a year ago how I’m feeling, default answer, I’m fine, now ask me how I’m feeling, well to be honest, I feel like shit, I’m not putting a brave face on anymore, I’m not hiding behind I’m fine, an I never will do.

So if you are reading this, take it from someone who has been there, get help, ask for it, there is no shame on being honest, forget the stigma of having to be a man, I’ve done it and my God I’m so glad that I did.

I want to end my blog with saying thank you to a few people who have been so dam supporting and hugely inspirational to me.

The ladies of @unrave11ingmind @SoviDreams & @balloons_brain Who are both absolutely beautiful ladies who are just amazing and I’m glad to have you in my life, meeting in the ew year maybe a tad emotional, you’ve both helped me so dam much, an I will always be grateful.

@TheeLadyPrince You are simply amazing, with everything you have been going through, you found the time to be there for our chats, an long may they continue.

@KatieHoughton85 You do so much for others, even though you are going through so much, I’ve loved our chats and the music you have told me to listen too, I love being your sponsor, but I’m glad that we are there for each other.

@amysboarderline What to say apart from you are truly amazing, your blogs inspire the hell out of me, truly such an amazing lady, honestly you have helped me with a lot.

@VoiceDepression What you do is outstanding, your podcast has honestly been such a lifeline to me and others, the guests you have on are truly inspiring as are the both of you, I will always listen and share them.

@HopeVirgo What you have achieved in everything you do, simply and truly inspiring, all the work you do in raising awareness, doing JOGL, but also talks on the way, your amazing #dumpthescales campaign, truly thank you for inspiring me to open up.

@AFR365 Truly a huge inspiration, you have done so much to inspire me and raise so much awareness, I’m grateful for all your support 🙂

@friendlywitch51 You have gone through so much recently, your posts have been an inspiration to read and share, thank you for just being there, I know things are not easy, but you have truly inspired me alot.

@FoxInTheBox05 You work tiresly to raise awareness, even though you have your own things to deal with, I’ve love how we are there for each other with our chats, truly thank you for all you have done.

@RealMissAnxiety Your blogs and vlogs made me cry, in a good way though, you are so open and honest, you are there for everyone who needs it, such a shining light in a dark world, keep shining so bright, an thank you.

I’m sure I’ve missed off people, I’m truly sorry if I have done, I will add you on here if I have, everyone I follow and who follows me, you all inspire me so dam much.

Thanks for reading.

Steve

X

The Final Part

TRIGGER WARNING – This post talks about suicidal thoughts, if you believe it may trigger off anything, I suggest you don’t read on any further.

I’ve started and deleted this post numerous times now, mainly because it brings back the darkest part of when I was being bullied.

In my first two blogs about bullying, you got an insight into what happened, now is the final part, I will share how I overcome the bullies having control over me, to an extent, but also my suicidal thoughts.

High school is supposed to be the happiest days of your life, don’t get me wrong, I had some amazing times, but the bad times far outweigh them.

On the outside, people would have seen a happy and sometimes smiley person, having a laugh and joke, joining in the football at lunch, then again after school at times, what they didn’t see is what happened when the bullying happened, the days I would get home, close my door and simply cry my heart out.

Why am I being treated this way, have I done something in a past life, did I wrong someone in a way that warrants this happening to me, well as I can’t answer what has happened in my past lives, I just had to grin and bear it, try and move on with life, try as hard as I can not to show weakness, because you know, I’m a man and have to be strong, I have to put on my brave face.

So there you have it, because I’m a man, it’s expected that I just bottle everything up, not share or talk, well to any men reading this now, all I’m going to say is NO you can talk, you can share so please do so, I wish I could have done so back then.

Back in those days, being held at the end of my street, against my will, by someone who had power over me, making me stand still, not moving till thy said I could do, was just one of the many ways I was bullied, another was because of the way I pronounced my name, so every time I met those people, they said my name in the same way I did, then everyone just started laughing.

It was hurtful, horrible, made me feel inadequate, vulnerable, like they thought it was ok to do and say all the things they did to me.

I’m now going to talk about my suicidal thoughts, if this may trigger you, please stop reading now.

So back to my feelings, yes I’m a man talking about my feelings, oh my God, run for the hills, he is opening up, is what most tend to say, but to those I say this back, unless you have even there, do not judge those who have and want to speak out.

When things got worse, an I mean I couldn’t leave the house at times, I would look out my window so many times to see if they was around, or can I make it to my local shop in under ten minutes, I got to a point where I began to wonder if being here was actually worth it.

I’m being bullied to a point where it’s causing more problems for me, where I’m on my own and I’m looking over my shoulder every second, what the hell kind of life is that, locking myself away when I should be out playing, crying at night because they got me on that day, because I couldn’t cope with everything going on, there was a way out.

I had actually written letters to my parents and sister, two separate letters to explain what I’m doing and why, I actually had them till a few years ago, I put them in that safe place, but back then I forgot where I hidden them, I only found both letters again a few years ago, I instantly burned them.

But the letters was written, as well as another one with my thoughts and feelings in, my mind was made up, I didn’t want to be around anymore, what’s the point, it’s not going to get better, probably just worse, I could barely cope as it was, should it get worse, I just didn’t know, I just knew that I had a way out.

Now I’m lay in bed, looking at my roof, thinking about how I wanted to do it, I had a plan, the final stage was complete, this was the only thing that would release me from my pain, but I couldn’t do it that night, I needed to wait till the next night.

The next day I took a fake sick day from school, only me and my mum was home, she was looking after me, making sure I had everything I needed, then she turned on the TV for me, but there was sod all on (we only had four main TV channels back in the day) so my mum put on a video for me (VHS) and if you don’t know what they are, use any search engine and look it up.

So my mum thought I was genuinely ill, she knew what would cheer me up, she put in Knight Rider, my most favourite TV show of all time, I mean a car that talks back and csn drive itself, plus looks cool, what’s not to love, so I watched it to the end, then I put on another one, this time it was Thundercats, my second favourite, so I snuggled in bed, with my Snarf teddy bear and watched it.

I began watching them over and over, then watching a Disney movie that came on TV, which was Winnie the Pooh, then thinking about how my mum was looking after me, plus my dad rang from work to see how I was too, I probably already knew this, but it was then it hit me, they care, they actually care about me.

So I opened up a little to my parents a little about what was going on, only telling them little things, thinking they are going to tell me to just grow up, or stop being silly, they listened to me, they told me to watch my TV shows more and I will understand, to be honest it kind of baffled me for a while.

So I did as they told me, went back to my room, watched more of my favourite shows, then it actually hit me, why they told me to watch my TV shows, the characters in the shows was standing up to people, for what they knew was wrong.

So that night I was supposed to do it, everything was in place, my problem now was I couldn’t find the dam letters I wrote, I also couldn’t be bothered to write them out again, eventually I fell asleep.

The next day was Saturday, so my morning consists of watching Saturday morning TV, then my mum asked me to go the local shop and pay for our newspapers for the week, then all the thoughts and feelings, came back and I didn’t want to go, but reluctantly I did, an nothing happened this time.

With each day that passes, I got a thought process running in my mind, if it happens how would Michael Knight (Knight Rider) deal with it, daft I know but the more time went on, the more it actually helped.

After a few month’s passed, I got bullied again in between, but then one day the bully stopped me at the end of my road again, this time I put my thoughts into practice, they told me to stop, I just carried on, they stood in front of me, I moved round them, they tried to control me physically, but I just laughed at them and walked off.

You could say, thanks to Knight Rider, Thundercats and a few other TV shows from back then, changed and saved my life, it wasn’t an easy process that changed overnight, it took me months to build up enough courage to do it, but I couldn’t have without my parents help.

I’m currently listening to Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill album, mainly because this was my go to music back in the days of being bullied, while it’s bringing back the memories, it’s such an awesome album and actually helped me get through things back then, I had it on cassette tape and still do as my memory, but it really helped listening to it now, it brought back memories to help write this.

I know this is really really really long, but the point I want to make about this and my other bullying blogs, is you can talk to people who will listen and help, you will not be judged if you go to the right people.

So if you are being bullied right now, either emotional or physical, by a loved one or someone else, please I beg you to speak up, tell someone, I guarantee it really will help, don’t go down the road I nearly went down, don’t suffer in silence, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Thanks

Steve

Please reach out

Just something for anyone who needs it.

I have these thoughts, running through my head, wondering if I will wake up, when I go to bed.

The wonder if this is my only way out, what’s the point in trying to shout, all the doors are closed, no one to care, all I want is for someone to be there. 

The thoughts tell me other wise, tell me they I’m despised, they say this is the only way, these thoughts I hear, each and every day.

Remember you are loved and people really do care, you don’t have to suffer all this dispare. 

So anyone who struggles with thoughts like these, I beg of you please, today tomorrow or any other day, reach out, talk to someone, for its suicide prevention day. 

 

Always be kind

Just something that’s rattling round in my head.

You see the smile on my face, you persieve that I’m in a happy place.

Behind the smile, there is more to me, a side that some never see, my eyes are closed, the hurt is still there, sometimes it’s just impossible to bear.

The thoughts in my head are racing too much, I’m all over the place, possibly loosing touch, why is my head behaving this way, all I want is clear thoughts every day.

My thoughts are getting out of control, just one harsh little comment, could lead me down a darker hole, so be kind to everyone each and every day, you never know what’s behind the smile, they show you today.

Be the reason, be inspiring and be kind too, if that person smiles on the outside & inside too, it could be thanks to you.