This post is going to talk about suicide plus self-harm and many things to go with it, if you believe it will trigger you, please do not read on.
I am not really sure what has prompted me to write about this, I’ve barely talked about it with anyone, not even my family know about any of this.
So here is my story, the story of how I nearly wasn’t here.
A few years ago, I was in a good place, family life was doing great, work was ok-ish, so yeah it was good, I had a few issues with my mental health, but I was actually dealing with them as well as I could.
I always keep things to myself, I barely open up to people, fearing that I will get hurt because they are using me for something, even though they never show signs of it, so I just kept things bottled up, I’ve always done this and been able to just get on with things.
This was soon to be my downfall, this was soon to cause me great pain, everything was bottled up, then things from my past came into my head, the bullying I got in school (see previous blog posts), just to make things even worse.
I needed a release, usually I would drink, however, I stopped many many years before that, I didn’t want to go back drinking again, no matter how much I wanted to do it, so I started to self-harm, nothing deep or anything, just needed the release, just mainly picking at my skin, I thought it would help, it really didn’t.
Because I had so much going round in my head, family things (that I am not going into), work was starting to build up, memories from high school bullying, all building up, all the emotions, I really couldn’t handle them very well.
I shut off from the world, hardly went on Facebook anymore, stopped going out with friends, talked to the family when I needed to, but mainly just trying to act normal.
So I had a release, but it wasn’t enough, I was struggling a lot, I can’t pin it down to one singular event, there was a war going on in my head, one that I was loosing, I never reached out to anyone, no one knew what was going on inside my head, I struggled to understand it.
I never reached out because I felt ashamed and embarrassed, I have always been so dam strong in life, you could throw anything at me, no matter what, it would just bounce off me, maybe this was the cause, I don’t actually know.
At the time, I felt empty, lost, nothing seemed to matter anymore, I didn’t matter, who would care if I just went away, would anyone even notice that I had gone, I was so tired and really exhausted from everything, could I see a way that I could stop it all, well there was one way, all I knew was I wanted peace, there was only one way that I could think of.
My head was a complete mess, emotionally I felt nothing, I didn’t think anyone cared about me anymore, friends came and went, I became distant from family, I had no meaning in life, no purpose, everything was in slow motion, I could see things happening around me, I just didn’t react to anything.
I am naturally a logical thinker, hence my job, but my mind was clouded and I couldn’t think logically for the first time in my life, I just wanted one thing, peace.
The strangest feeling I remember was that I could see things happening, but couldn’t stop it like I was looking at myself from the outside, it’s not a feeling I want ever again.
I had everything up to this point, yet I just felt like I didn’t belong here anymore, that the planet wouldn’t miss me.
This was the first time I had felt this way, I mean truly wanting to go away.
Up to this point, there was nothing stopping me, I knew how I wanted to do it (I am not getting into that) how long it would take, I literally had everything planned, I did leave a note for my family, well several notes, I had everything sorted, I knew that peace was coming.
Rather than do it that night, I didn’t and just watched a movie, falling asleep earlier than I usually do, the next things that happened were what I believe saved me.
I woke up at 2am, mainly because I needed a drink of water, I put on my nightlight, yes I have one, it’s got settings on it that I can have it bright or very low, so I turned it on low.
Right as I turned on my light, I thought of my grandad, he has been dead for years, but I have no idea why at that point I thought of him, I never slept after that, all I did was think back to my childhood and going to see the family in Ireland, but mainly the times I spent with my grandad.
I remember the stories my grandad told me as a child, we had family on the Titanic, which explained my fascination with it, one I couldn’t explain, but I forgot about what he told me, so I looked up the name that he gave me, there it was, I couldn’t believe it, it wasn’t just the surname, it was the full names of the family that I was related to.
Thinking this may not be right, I looked it up numerous times online, I found the name over and over again.
The next day I told my dad and he never believed it till I told him and shown the names on the lists, but this isn’t the only thing that happened, myself and my dad just talked for ages, we hadn’t talked in a while, well not properly.
I know this will sound stupid, but after my talk with my dad about the Titanic stuff and about my grandad, this was what saved my life, if only my father knew at the time what was going through my head, what I was planning to do, he managed to stop it happening without knowing.
If this had not happened, I probably wouldn’t be writing this now, I wouldn’t be here, it was at this point I looked up suicide online and found some interesting sites, at this point I was starting to think a little clearer, not much, it took me a long time to get my head together, I never got help, I never told anyone, it’s daft that I did it all alone.
I shouldn’t have done it alone, because even though I learned to put it out of my mind, which took a lot, the thoughts and feelings came back a second time, it was a while after the first time.
Not really knowing why they had suddenly come back into my mind, I knew this time I wasn’t going to let it get as far as they did, the strange thing this time around was, even though I had the thoughts, I had one thing keeping me going, my family, I was spending more time with my sister and her kids, more time with parents, I learned techniques to block my feelings out, put them in a box, throw them into the abyss.
To anyone who is struggling like this right now, please please please call someone, reach out for help, it is available, you can get through this, I am proof, I was literally hours away from not being here, that’s really scary to think of right now.
I know you are in a dark place, believe me, I truly know how hard things are for you right now, but you can get through this, it might not seem it now, but you really really can, I am proof that it can get better.
Thank you for listening to me ramble on, this was my fourth draft of this, I had a bad time writing it, the emotions that came back wasn’t great, but I wanted to share this.
If anyone needs to reach out, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be frighted of, nothing to be embarrassed about, please I urge you to reach out.